Interesting Parenting Advice

I stumbled upon this 2007 article (which I linked to from the book Mindset's webpage - don't remember why/how I got there) by Po Bronson, a San Francisco-based author of other books about finding work you love, and his latest book NurtureShock. The article is about research on our current society's praise-oriented parenting style, which too many of us falsely believe is best for helping our kids develop self-esteem and high acheivement. Of course the research cited suggests just the opposite, and proposes that praising effort, rather than intelligence, has a far more meaningful impact in building healthy confidence. I am really looking forward to reading these two books as I suspect it may support alot of my very unscientifically-reach conclusions about the growing sense of entitlement/narcissism in kids today (we'll leave grown-ups out of it for now).

Anyway, it struck a chord, and I definitely intend to start applying some of the general advice gleaned form the article on Hannah. We are obviously two parents who are probably too impressed with Hannah's "smarts," and praise her often for it. Her quick vocabulary building skills, her ability to count to ten in English and Spanish (thanks Saira!) - sure, she skips over dos, tres, and siete every time, but it blows my mind. I think she's just really good at retaining patterns (able to sing parts of the ABC song too), and songs and rhymes really help. She's great at finishing off the last word on each page in her rhyming books (like "A Potty for Me"...which has not inspired her to do anything productive in the potty yet, but that's OK). And she's also really got all the people in her life put together and down pat. When she sees slideshows on the computer, she'll squeal with delight when pictures of Ashlynn and Coe (AshlnCoe!) come on, Magnus & Debbie (magnsdebbie!), Kayla, SaraReece, ..... The bottom line is - while we may in fact be impressed and in awe of her burgeoning vocabulary and putting words together ("Daddy's pillow," "Boppa's chair," "Big Thomas," etc.), we should be careful not to over it when it comes to praise. Of course, at only 20+ months, perhaps I am overthinking how praise is affecting her confidence development/self-knowledge. And perhaps this is more of a Kindergarten issue. But considering how much she already rules the roost around here, I'm all for scaling back her expectations going forward. She's become quite demanding in her needs lately (wait, is this new really?), and needs "two" of everything -- "two wipes!" "two hoppy's" -- I guess one for each hand. But there's no question in my mind that the Terrible Two's are definitely upon us. So while it may be too early for her to really understand "discipline," I don't think it's too early to start adjusting expectations.

"Back-up Hop-Hop Plan" backfires -- Hannah with her TWO hoppy's/hop-hops,
and two Thomas trains, Mike & Gordon.

ADVICE: 18 Mos, Tantrums & "Mine!"

Your 18-month-old's behavior: Tantrum triggers
by Dana Sullivan (BABYCENTER.COM)

Some days it may seem as though the littlest things set your toddler off. You serve her morning milk in the "wrong" cup and she throws it at you. Or she wants to go barefoot, even though it's raining outside, and screams her head off when you insist on putting on her boots. What's going on? Sometimes the triggers will be more obvious than others. She may be tired or angry. Or she may be frustrated by her inability to complete a task that she is determined to do, like putting a round peg in a square hole.

What you can do

Tantrums tend to occur at the worst possible time for you. It seems like when your toddler blows a fuse you're either in a hurry to get out the door in the morning, at the grocery store with half the shopping done, or in the waiting room of the doctor's office. What do these situations have in common? They are times that a typical toddler might feel emotional overload, and like she doesn't have your full attention. If you are aware of the situations that trigger tantrums, you may be able to prevent many of them with minor adjustments or a little advance planning. If you must grocery shop with your child, do it when she is well rested and fed. Carry a favorite book or stuffed animal to doctor visits — anything you can do to keep her calm will help. Also remember that the occasional tantrum is a normal byproduct of toddlerhood and development.

Other developments: Learning how to share and comfort objects

There is no "yours" in a toddler's vocabulary — everything is "mine!" So your car keys, a sibling's beloved stuffed dog, her dad's boots, the slide at the local playground — all these things are, in the eyes of an 18-month-old, hers. You can help your child understand what sharing means by praising her when she does give a toy to another child or lets another toddler go down the slide first. When reading a book or watching a video, point out examples of sharing. Try to avoid scolding her when she doesn't want to; sometimes just acknowledging how difficult sharing is will make her more willing to do so. You will have to be patient, and take comfort in the knowledge that other parents of toddlers are going through the same thing.

For a toddler, a favorite stuffed toy (in our case, Hannah's beloved "Hop Hop" - Barefoot Dreams Bunny Blankie) is a great source of comfort. She might also have some habits that soothe her — like twirling her hair, rocking, or sucking her thumb. Most children naturally outgrow these behaviors by the time they're four, so there's probably no need for you to intervene now.

3 Months...

What’s Going On With Hannah?

In the words of Armin A. Brott, who wrote The New Father, A Dad’s Guide to the First Year, here are the physical and intellectual stages of growth Hannah has reached now that she is three months young. I have quoted directly from pg. 101-2 of this book, adding Hannah’s name. I could not have written a more accurate account myself, so I quote, adding a few comments in parenthesis:

“As more and more of her reflexes disappear, your baby’s body is changing. She can now keep her hands open (instead of in tiny fists), and when you put her down on her tummy, she extends her legs instead of automatically rolling up into a little ball like a pill bug. But she can’t yet tell one side of her body from the other, and she moves both legs and arms together. By the end of this month, though, she’ll realize that the two sides can be controlled independently.
She can roll from her back to her side (Hannah did this on her changing table just a couple days ago), and when she is on her tummy, she can lift her head and lean on her elbows (Tummy time is not Hannah’s favorite thing and she has not yet discovered that she has elbows). Sometimes she may arch her back and raise her head and legs off the floor and rock like a little seesaw (yes!).

When we pull her from a reclining position, she’ll try and stand up, pressing her feet against whatever she was lying on (Hannah was doing this as early as a month ago). If we hold her upright, she may be able to 'stand.' Her head is bobbing around a lot less, although it still needs support, and if we can get her into a sitting position, she can sit fairly well for a few seconds before keeling over.

Hannah reaches with both hands and is getting much better at grasping things (although she still misses a lot). This is a development that some experts believe is a new reflex, designed to develop her hand-eye coordination. ‘Everything that a child grasps is brought to the eyes and everything she sees evokes an effort to grasp,’ says child psychologist Peter Wolf.

Moving objects are a source of nearly endless fascination. Hannah will follow with her eyes and head an object moving slowly from one side of her head to the other (true!). If we drop something, she’ll stare at our empty hands, wondering where the object went – but not knowing anything at all about gravity, she won’t follow the object as it falls (also true!).

One day Hannah will catch sight of her own hand on its way into her mouth (we think she has recently done this). Until this very moment, she had no idea that the thing she’s been sucking on for the past few months actually belongs to her (we think she is coming around to that conclusion right now). Best of all, she now realizes that objects (or at least her hand) can exist for two reasons at the same time: to look at and to suck on.
As a result of this startling, and incredibly important, revelation, Hannah will spend as much as 15 minutes at a stretch intently staring at her squiggling fingers and then shoving them into her mouth (yeah, that pretty much sums things up!). She’ll repeat the process over and over.
She is also able to make associations between certain objects; she prefers circular shapes to stripes and complex patterns to simple ones.
She is able to make associations between certain objects and qualities linked to them. For example, she may associate Kristina with food and Jonathan with play, and will react differently to each of us (hard to tell but she definitely knows where to go for food).
Although most of Hannah’s vocalizing is crying, she’s making some delightful, soothing, ooohs, aaahs, and other single-syllable sounds.
She’s now beginning to use her vocalizing for a purpose – if we listen carefully we tell the difference between her ‘Feed me now,’ ‘Put me down, I want to take a nap,’ and ‘Change me diaper’ cries.

She’s now also attentively listening to all the sounds around her and distinguishes speech from any other sound.

At this point, Hannah’s schedule of eating, sleeping, diaper filling, and being alert is getting fairly regular (Oh, really? I had not noticed!). When it comes to people, she has strong dislikes, crying or calming down depending on who holds her (so far she seems pretty agreeable unless she needs something). She’ll also smile or laugh at familiar people, and stare at strangers.

She’s very perceptive about our moods and will react to them. If we are tired and anxious, she’ll be harder to calm and soothe, but if we’re calm and happy, it’ll be easier (true).

She’ll stare, absorbed in her surroundings, for several minutes at a time. She wants to interact with people and may stop what she’s doing (which is usually sucking something) and listen if we talk to her."